-Jen Marcussen
Thoroughly stuck at a mid life fork in the road, or as I prefer to think about it, balls deep in a massive, whole life, re-prioritization, it has become clear to me that somewhere I seem to have misplaced my faith.
I didn’t realize it at first. Or second or even third. A near and dear friend brought it to my attention during an intense conversation about the current state of my life and the giant dose of reality I am being force-fed. When I asked her how she maintains her faith through it all, and for the record – this particular amazing woman has been dealt one of the biggest possible shit sandwiches life can cook up. She told me that her faith is what gets her through it all, the knowledge that something is bigger than her. She followed it up with a statement that surprised me; she shared with me that she does not believe in a ‘greater plan’ or the all too common adage ‘everything happens for a reason’. Foundation shaken.
Every time my life has been put into a blender that is the exact quote I have leaned on more times than I could possibly count. I never even once considered it to not be true or solid ground to stand on. But now that the seed had been planted it lead me to realize that I have, somewhere in the madness of day-to-day life, lost my faith in faith. Granted, I think we all struggle throughout adult life with faith and how to maintain it. But literally up until the moment of this particular conversation I would have told anyone who asked, that I do have faith in the universe. Full honesty here, I do have some ‘faith’ still; faith that no matter what happens I know I have a tribe of amazing humans that will have my back through it all. I have faith that I will always be able to provide for myself in one manner of hustle or another. I have faith that even when life sucks really, really, fucking badly, that eventually the light at the end of the tunnel will prove not to be an oncoming train.
Where I am realizing I am struggling is big picture faith. Having multiple health scares over the past handful of years, and watching as close family members (of rather young ages) have been diagnosed with horribleness; my faith that there is something above and beyond this life has all but evaporated. This bi-polar turn of events is perplexing to me seeing as for a while, going through 2-200 hour yoga RYT programs, I had developed a system of faith that worked for me. I knew there was something bigger than me out there. I had belief that this physical body is merely the mode of transportation for our souls during this life adventure. The concept of reincarnation and multiple lives resonated deeply with me. The crazy thing is I have no idea when these ideals abandoned me.
When I reflect on it, I think it was a slow but subtle shift. I slowly have drifted away from my yoga practice, both on and off the mat. Short of taking some deep breaths to keep me from blowing when I am in the midst of an anger flash – I haven’t meditated at all in months. I have slowly drifted away from the things that provide joy to me like reading, writing & dedication to regular lifting/gym time. Hell, I went from devouring books so quickly that I would often be frustrated to find the next great read, to reading one book now for like 8 months. Yup, 8 months, for one sub-par Dan Brown novel.
A crisis of faith is at hand. Overwhelmed is the theme. And lost is the prevailing feeling that no matter what is going on, sits right below the surface. So I sit here and ponder how to get the faith back. When I asked my friend ‘please tell me how to cultivate that faith’ she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said: “I don’t know my friend, that is your path”. I both wanted to hug her and slap her. I am now questioning everything that I believe to be true. Overwhelmed in the possibly gigantic amount of work that is going to be required to right this shit… I mean ship.
So my dear reader, I have no solutions. But what I do have is the knowledge that the clear and true first step is to make sure my cup is empty. I am ready to do the dirty work, to acknowledge my monsters so that I can start to make peace. I know that the road back is not paved with a full list of all the things I want to change immediately (read as: I will go to the gym 4-6 days a week, practice yoga in some way every day, meditate every day, write, eat well, cry, let go of my anger and find more kindness for everyone, etc., etc., etc.,), but instead with simple kindnesses to myself. That the more I learn to just basically love myself, or even more simple… like myself… that the rest will probably fall into place. I have faith that the rest will fall into place.
“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float. But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.”
― Alan Watts
Photos Copyright 2015: Galen Stilgebauer
