-Jen Marcussen
I think I have stumbled upon a secret of life recently. Wana
know…? We are all just faking it.
Lets get real here; none of us actually know what we are
doing. Recently on social media I saw a quote that (paraphrasing) says that
unhappiness comes from comparing our behind the scenes with someone else’s
highlight reel. Made me think, then realize, there is no manual for this
adulting shit that is expected of all of us as we age. And to make it worse,
some of the most challenging parts of successfully adulting are all kept secret
until you have the unfortunate luck of being in that moment… venting about it…
then some asshat chimes in talking about oh ya, totally been there. Why does no
one talk about these things?
Putting aside rules, spirituality imposed or legally
imposed, and looking at what this adult thing is all about; what do we really
have to do every day? Remembering that have’s, want’s & need’s are three
different things – ask yourself that questions again… what do we really have to
do every day? When you really break it down there is very little that we actually
need for survival. So, that lets everything else fall into the category
of choice.
Choices are typically made after we have (often in a micro
second) weighed all our experience reference against our knowledge reference
and then a decision, a choice, is made. Right or wrong, good or bad. The
frustrating part of the equations is that its not like we all have this giant
“this is life and how to do it right” book chillin’ on a table in our house
with a quick reference section just for those times we really need an answer
quickly. So instead, these choices come down to our life, our story, our
experience past and future… and a roll of the dice.
In reflection when looking back, I remember thinking as a
teenager and young adult how much I was looking forward to my late 20’s and
early 30’s. I had naively thought that by then I would have things ‘figured
out’. Expectation is the root cause of most discontent and sadness, so this
expectation that I would have things figured out has only brought to the
surface my outstanding ability to dish out mental self-abuse at the expert
level. Letting my mind attack my soul every time I felt lost, or sad, or
discontented. Even after beginning to study yoga and its ethical practices I
still felt that slide into personal violence. Never physically hurting myself,
but an absolute pro at my own emotional abuse.
Like most of us, I would say about 70% of my choices are
solid. Moving me forward on my path with as minimal collateral damage as
possible. The other 30%, oh that other 30%; well, that’s where shit typically
gets sideways. Like coming in hot, hold
on for dear life, crank the wheel and hope for the best, sideways. Those are
the choices that we make based on the stories we tell ourselves about others
and their life… well so and so can afford to do x y and z, so I should be able
to as well. Often flat out ignoring our inner guides shouting at us like
someone watching a cheesy horror movie, yelling at the soon to be victim as
they run up the stairs instead of out the front door.
We get stuck in the land of the shoulds. This land is
located right next to the land of the haves and have-nots (so you can get your
bearings). This land sucks us in and warps our perceptions to think that others
around us have it easier, luckier, and happier than we ourselves do. Again,
leaving us to compare our perception of those around us with the reality (or
perception) of our own lives. My own yoga practice is a great example of this
conundrum. I have practiced off and on my entire adult life and then getting
more serious about it about 8 years ago. As the personal practice morphed into
the decision to learn and study to be a teacher I was plagued with this feeling
that I was a fraud. That at each weekend long teacher training I would sit and
compare myself to those around me. Judgments ranging from my practice to
theirs, my eating to theirs, how authentic I was, right down to my look and
clothing to others look and clothing. Looking back it is so silly to me it is
almost hard to share with you now dear reader. No matter how much I was
practicing on the mat or off. No matter how much I was reading or studying. No
matter the attendance in my classes or the success of my studio, I never felt
good enough or successful enough. It was not that I wasn’t good enough,
dedicated enough, accomplished enough as a teacher, it was that I stuck in the
loop of thinking that everyone else I came across knew more and/or had it all
figured out. And me, well I was just faking it hoping to not be discovered by
anyone.
It’s a trip when I really think about it, how absolutely
down on myself I was all the time. I was totally deaf to the praise of my
students and clients and blind to the help that I was, often, unknowingly
giving to people I encountered. Blind to the perception others had of me, and
how from the outside they must have thought that I had it figured out and that
my shit was so together it was wrapped up all Martha Stewart awesome. This
thought process took me so deep that when I would share my successes with
people, when I would share my story, it would feel so inauthentic almost
borderline inflationary that I couldn’t feel good about any of my wins.
I heard an interview once with the TV Chef Rachael Ray, in
it she made a statement (again paraphrasing) that she has been under qualified
for any job she has ever been given and she has faked it till she made it.
Kinda wild right? For someone that has the outward expression of so much life
mastery to come right out publicly and admit that she has been faking it, a
lot, in her career. Moreover, think of all the professional athletes that hit
it big, giant contracts and mammoth endorsements when they ‘make it’. Only to
later hear that their life is a horrific mess and they are morally and/or
financially bankrupt.
We all, every walk of life, every socioeconomic background,
every race, every kind of childhood, everyone… we are all faking it. So why
aren’t more of us owning it like Rachael Ray?
As I see it, there is only one way to reverse and stop this
self-abuse we are all committing daily, this abuse of perpetuating own our
fakeness. We must all pinky swear to open up to the people around us about our
struggles and insecurities in the present moment, not when it gets to the point
we can no longer sustain. We must practice being so present in our own life
that we know that we can no longer compare our anything to anyone else’s
anything… ever. We are all doing the best that we can with the knowledge and
experience that we have. There are no actual rulebooks or manuals to this game
of life, and anyone who lays claim to writing or having one should be least
trusted of all of us wandering the planet faking it.
We must find a way to let go of the judgment of those around
us (including ourselves), judgment that we all do – whether we are ok in this
moment with admitting to it or not - and constantly remind ourselves and each
other that we are all, absolutely, without a single doubt, faking it.
