"Feel the feeling but don't become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it." - unknown
For those of you not in the 'know', Ahimsa is one of the Yamas & Niyamas. The ethical practices of the science of Yoga. In the most basic terms, the practice of Ahimsa is the practice of non-violence. Now some peoples perspective of this practice translates on the big scale - not eating meat, no leather, pacifism to the extreme; while others, including myself, view this practice on the small scale - that this practice starts and is mostly about how we communicate and interact with ourselves. This whole concept/theory/philosophy is the foundation and base for the other Yamas & Niyamas - this is the stance of right relationship with others and with yourself. It is a relationship that is neither self sacrifice or self abuse. Basically, don't be a dick to yourself or anyone else.
It is one of my favorite things to introduce when I teach yoga classes because it is possibly one of my biggest practices (challenges, flaws, issues - pick a descriptive word). I am absurdly, shockingly, hard on myself. Probably borderline abusive in some situations. Each time I teach this ethical practice, it is a reminder to stop being such a dick to myself. I had one teacher tell me that this all starts with the ability to not say destructive things to ourselves. In any context. Because, after all, our bodies will always follow our minds. We store our garbage in our bodies and eventually it effects our perspective on life and on ourselves. So each time that we look at ourselves in any form of reflection and immediately pass judgement on our hair, makeup, face, arms, nose, legs, waist, etc., etc., etc., we are committing acts of violence. When we think of these things over and over again we create thought pathways in our brains that then reinforce these views to the point and end that our perspective is so far skewed that it begins to reflect outward onto others. Thus creating violence against others.
I starting thinking about all this again recently after not only my numerous health issues but then with 4 people in my life having major surgery in the last few weeks. Their bodies betraying them through chronic illness and disease. They are all at different levels of awakening, but the one common thread is that we all have spent considerable time and energy committing acts of violence against ourselves. To be clear, I am not saying - at all, even the tiniest bit - that we some how bring these things on us. More that, like it or not, our habits, thoughts, behaviors and actions all have an effect on this meat suit we were each assigned at the beginning of this life.
As I descend further down the rabbit hole pondering all this, I realize that one theme for me is that I really have never grieved for anything or anyone. Truthfully, I don't know what it means to actually grieve. When the shit goes down I have always powered through. Head down, shoulder into the wind, one foot in front of the other. I can't help but wonder if all the things that I internalized and never dealt with lead to the numerous lumps and growths that have been removed from my body. The physical incarnation of every time I pushed my feelings, wants, needs, to the deepest part of myself. That through this compartmentalizing of my emotions and feelings I am causing violence against myself, simply not allowing myself to move through and past these life bumps in the road.
So I have been working on paying attention to my thoughts, and what happens to them throughout the day. Observing and realizing... I am a huge dick to myself. It was a bit shocking how often I hold myself to standards that are completely unrealistic and then when I fail to meet those completely unrealistic standards I am even worse to myself. And round and round the violence goes. Hello, my name is Jen and I am an emotional cutter.
Then I started to really listen to my friends and the words that they choose when they speak about themselves, their relationships, their trials and tribulations and noticed all the same behavior patterns. Why are we such dicks to ourselves? I guess you could argue that woman are wired to be caregivers and so its harder to put yourself first when other people are counting on you. But can't we be good caregivers and still prioritize our own mental (and physical) well being as the most important?
I started writing this post months ago, in the fall, as a large chapter of my life was coming to an end while dealing with my own health issues. Now on the other side of those things, and my divorce, I am finally able to say that I have worked to grieve and be able to put the past where it belongs. Behind me. Through this work, the emotional cutting has taken on a new incarnation, while I am much kinder about the physical aspects of my being, the emotional side is still a great work in progress. During a conversation this very morning I blurted out "I don't think I know how to just accept being happy. To accept that it is OK to be happy because the bottom always falls out". To be honest here, I was a bit shocked to hear those words come out. So overthinking, as I have a junkie like habit of doing, I realized I was totally right. And completely fucking terrified.
When I think about the practice of Ahimsa I have never contextualized it to be tied to happiness, at least directly. Talk about sabotaging a persons ability to be healthy, never give yourself permission to be happy. So how do we change that? Fuck if I know. For now, I am just going to keep asking the people around me to call me out when they see me going down that dark hole. I am going to keep teaching about these ethical practices, to remind me and those around me of our potential to be happy. I will keep working to be conscious of my thought patterns and how often I make up stories in my mind that ultimately act like a giant wall, blocking me from the happiness on the other side.
The reality is, I am happy, I am content. Sure everything always has the potential to be better, and we should always - every damn day - make an effort to have today be better than yesterday. A practice to accept and welcome true happiness and health into my life, not tomorrow, today, in this moment, in this breath... in this second. That is my practice of Ahimsa, what will yours be?
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