Unfu*kwithable (n)

About 6 months ago a read a wonderful blog post where the author was describing major changes in her life and how she "butchered" her life and found her authenticity. Like a lot of the bloggers that I follow, it was if the words reverberated through my cells - marinating in my grey matter. I mean, why wouldn't it? I was right in the eye of the storm - the middle of the butcher shop - when I read it.

Through the last two years I have found myself frequently challenged by life while also being immersed in gratitude and hope. A duality that is challenging and often maddening. Learning to balance and just simply be in all my emotions. That it is ok to be incredibly sad about some things and incredibly happy about others. A hard core, in-your-face, crash course in vulnerability and being totally present. Forcing me to reach out when I feel like the world is imploding on me and I can't help but hold my breath for fear of drowning. No matter how horribly uncomfortable it was to reach out.

So today I write this post to put out to the ether, to all those doing their best to hold their broken pieces together, that you are not alone. That I, am not alone. I write this because for the last few days I have spent a large amount of time trying to determine what it is that I, just me, want out of this gift of life. Not just in my personal life but professional life and in my relationship with myself. I find that when you do fall back onto your faith, and you are present enough to see it - the universe (God, whatever) will give you signs. Little things to help you on your way and to let you know you are on the right path.

The first sign was this:

And damn it if this isn't the truth. Fear... the root cause of my ability to be fucked with. It is in fear that we forget the blessings and gratitude. It is in fear that we surrender our own power and grace and drop to our knees allowing life to just happen to us. Fear cages our own strength. Worse of all, "fear causes hesitation and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true" (Bodhi Point Break). I realized through a conversation with an amazing human, that fear has infected me like a disease. Holding me in a pattern of being that not only does not serve me or those in my circle of trust, but that dirty bitch fear has also caused me to forget that I am a powerful goddess that has the energy, strength and fire to do whatever I damn well please in this life. 

The second sign was this: 

This is my goal ^. I have been to the land of unfuckwithableness (c) a long, long time ago... it is a magical place and I feel like I am finding my way back there the more I am willing to accept that I am perfect in all my imperfection. This sign came to me at a moment of questioning how I will know when I am healed from the trauma, stress and sadness of the last few years (this year in particular). I actually laughed out loud when I read it. Because not only is it awesome (you know it is) - but it is also about as yoga as a person can get. Boom! This sign, this stupid internet meme, brought me back to my mat after months away. An immediate light bulb that illuminated my way back to my practice. 

The last sign:

This came to me today... it was in a blog post on Elephant Journal by a woman named Caitlin Oriel titled 103 Words of the Best Advice Ever. So being the sarcastic, doubting, shit that I can be - I thought "well hell, I have to read this..." All I can say, mind blown! She spoke to her own changes and challenges and the darkness she found herself in and the remembering of her awesome grandmother and a poem she used to recite even into the dark years of Alzheimer disease. 

This poem:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~ William Ernest Henley

I admit. I cried. It actually made me cry. In public, cried. It hit me so deeply to remind me that I am in charge of my own destiny and have only myself to hold responsible if I don't like my surroundings and adventures. 

So I hereby add to my blog vows, to not only act with and in the same love that my beautiful dog Mia embraced every day- but also now to remember that I am the captain of my soul and the master of my fate. That as a goddess with power and fire burning in my soul, that I am truly unfuckwithable. But only when I remember that as the waves crash over me (as they will in this life adventure), that I must remember,  as long as I meet that water with water - to truly be the water and not the rock - that I will be amazing. That I will rise up again as I shed the weight of fear. 

I am unfuckwithable.