Unfu*kwithable (n)

About 6 months ago a read a wonderful blog post where the author was describing major changes in her life and how she "butchered" her life and found her authenticity. Like a lot of the bloggers that I follow, it was if the words reverberated through my cells - marinating in my grey matter. I mean, why wouldn't it? I was right in the eye of the storm - the middle of the butcher shop - when I read it.

Through the last two years I have found myself frequently challenged by life while also being immersed in gratitude and hope. A duality that is challenging and often maddening. Learning to balance and just simply be in all my emotions. That it is ok to be incredibly sad about some things and incredibly happy about others. A hard core, in-your-face, crash course in vulnerability and being totally present. Forcing me to reach out when I feel like the world is imploding on me and I can't help but hold my breath for fear of drowning. No matter how horribly uncomfortable it was to reach out.

So today I write this post to put out to the ether, to all those doing their best to hold their broken pieces together, that you are not alone. That I, am not alone. I write this because for the last few days I have spent a large amount of time trying to determine what it is that I, just me, want out of this gift of life. Not just in my personal life but professional life and in my relationship with myself. I find that when you do fall back onto your faith, and you are present enough to see it - the universe (God, whatever) will give you signs. Little things to help you on your way and to let you know you are on the right path.

The first sign was this:

And damn it if this isn't the truth. Fear... the root cause of my ability to be fucked with. It is in fear that we forget the blessings and gratitude. It is in fear that we surrender our own power and grace and drop to our knees allowing life to just happen to us. Fear cages our own strength. Worse of all, "fear causes hesitation and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true" (Bodhi Point Break). I realized through a conversation with an amazing human, that fear has infected me like a disease. Holding me in a pattern of being that not only does not serve me or those in my circle of trust, but that dirty bitch fear has also caused me to forget that I am a powerful goddess that has the energy, strength and fire to do whatever I damn well please in this life. 

The second sign was this: 

This is my goal ^. I have been to the land of unfuckwithableness (c) a long, long time ago... it is a magical place and I feel like I am finding my way back there the more I am willing to accept that I am perfect in all my imperfection. This sign came to me at a moment of questioning how I will know when I am healed from the trauma, stress and sadness of the last few years (this year in particular). I actually laughed out loud when I read it. Because not only is it awesome (you know it is) - but it is also about as yoga as a person can get. Boom! This sign, this stupid internet meme, brought me back to my mat after months away. An immediate light bulb that illuminated my way back to my practice. 

The last sign:

This came to me today... it was in a blog post on Elephant Journal by a woman named Caitlin Oriel titled 103 Words of the Best Advice Ever. So being the sarcastic, doubting, shit that I can be - I thought "well hell, I have to read this..." All I can say, mind blown! She spoke to her own changes and challenges and the darkness she found herself in and the remembering of her awesome grandmother and a poem she used to recite even into the dark years of Alzheimer disease. 

This poem:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~ William Ernest Henley

I admit. I cried. It actually made me cry. In public, cried. It hit me so deeply to remind me that I am in charge of my own destiny and have only myself to hold responsible if I don't like my surroundings and adventures. 

So I hereby add to my blog vows, to not only act with and in the same love that my beautiful dog Mia embraced every day- but also now to remember that I am the captain of my soul and the master of my fate. That as a goddess with power and fire burning in my soul, that I am truly unfuckwithable. But only when I remember that as the waves crash over me (as they will in this life adventure), that I must remember,  as long as I meet that water with water - to truly be the water and not the rock - that I will be amazing. That I will rise up again as I shed the weight of fear. 

I am unfuckwithable. 

Will you travel with me so that we might make love to the world?

I want to travel the world.

I have wanted to travel the world for as long as I can possibly remember. When I was a child, I kept a globe next to my bed. I remember spinning the globe as fast as I could and then dragging my finger against the slight raises to the surface of each countries landscape until it came to rest on some foreign location. I would fantasize about what it would be like to visit these places. How it would smell, taste and feel. When I would read about these places I would vanish to them, imagining going there and the incredible adventures that I would have. I could see it, in my minds eye.. I knew that in this life I had to travel... I had to find adventure and unexpectedness on this amazingly sexy and seductive planet.

There is no doubt in my mind that gypsy blood pumps through my veins, I guess I have always know that it was there, lurking just below the surface. At times buried deeply so as to not distract me from what a thought I ‘should’ be doing at any given time. Endlessly telling myself that you need money, the right circumstances, extra luck…whatever… before I could even begin to think about indulging my inner gypsy.

My gypsy blood whispers to me in those sweet silent, still, moments right before sleep wins, and in the twilight of the morning as the sleep fades from my mind. It whispers when I am most vulnerable. It calls to me to remind me that it is there in the most true and authentic parts of my heart and soul, in the cells of my being. It is as if the Kundalini energy that flows and pumps through my spine is infected with wanderlust, and the deeper I listen, the more I connect, the more awakened to it I become.  I know now that I need to find out its power over me – I must embrace it – I must dance with this beautiful devil in the pale moonlight.

I am surrendering to my wanderlust. But even deeper than that, as I have tuned into my wanderlust infection, I have surrendered to the reality that along with that is the longing that I must share this passion and adventure with another soul; a soul that wants to run wild with me across this planet with abandon from any inhibitions that might hold us back.

I have traveled and adventured (to some minor extent) with many beautiful souls so far this lifetime, but not with a twin soul. For I believe, without a doubt, that wanderlust is best experienced with another soul that holds a similar fire within. A burning that will force both souls to really reach beyond the comfort of the known into the deeply intense unknown.

When two fires meet, an inferno, a firestorm is created. It is all engulfing. When this happens, we come alive with so much energy everything changes. All the senses are heightened and become bionically hyper aware. When like souls find each other, time ceases to have relevance. Everyone and everything else, simply falls away. Where every touch is, well… its just simply electric.

That is the soul I want to make love to the world with. I want to taste the sunrise against our lips after a long night of fun, I want to feel the sunset drift away from our warm skin after a long and lazy day of exploring. I want to slip my tired body into the waters of the world with you after we have hiked to places only seen by few.

I want to sit in the fire with my twin soul as we eat scary foreign food gallivanting all over this big green and blue rock.  I long to lie in a field at the top of a mountain under the light of the moon and stars, nuzzled blissfully. I want to make love to the world in all that we will see and do together.

When like recognizes like, it brings out the very best that each soul has to offer in the most organic way. The fire burns away everything that just simply doesn’t matter and helps to allow us to be our most authentic selves and open to it all – the good, the bad, the ugly and the just plane messy and yet, to be at complete ease, together.  

What I used to see as reasons to keep me from travel seem now to be wildly insignificant and easily overcame. What used to seem unattainable now seems right within my reach, just a little bit further to go. I want to make love to this world in such a way that not only do I, we, burn a mark into the sands of time – but that it also leaves its mark on us, forever adding to the awesomeness of this adventure called life. To live so completely that I will eventually slide into my last days of consciousness with a thoroughly used up body and full and blissful heart.

What better way to travel through this life and across this amazing and sexy planet, than with a twin soul? So I ask you… will you travel with me so that we might make love to the world? 

(c) 2015 Jen Marcussen

Mia & Calling Bullshit On Myself

***Warning... Adult Language***

Months back I came up with the idea for this blog and a path/direction for my writing to go. To remind myself and others that there are no rules and that we need to all lighten the fuck up. So I posted a few safe pieces of my writing, stuff good enough that I wanted to share but still not fully digging in deep... just not the right time yet. Need to wait a little longer... I don't want to piss anyone off.

After these last few years there is one thing that I am damn certain about, tomorrow is a myth. We only have today. That thought led to the gut check that I am being a pussy. I have things to say, want and need to say. Things that maybe in some way, at some point, might actually help someone else get through their own life.

My, few, dear readers, I apologize... my bad... I was not honoring my highest truth nor was I honoring my goals to be a writer. Advice I received recently- if you want to be a writer then you have got to write. So from this moment forth, I pinky swear that I will only bring the realness - my realness - dirty and messy and my own flavor of crazy perspective. Take it or leave it. But I hope you at least read it.

In the words of Kurt Cobain "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not"... buckle up kiddies...


Today (October 16th) I say good bye to another furry child. One month ago I said goodbye to Chewee after a long slow decline after 15 years of beautiful companionship. 4 weeks and 6 days later I noticed a lump on Mia, within a few days it had quadrupled in size. Denial is an interesting, fickle, bitch. It allowed me to mentally run away (temporarily) to a happy place where something like this couldn't possibly equal the end for a beast that had survived so much in her 16 years. The vet didn't even need to do anything other than see the lump to tell us this was it. She is in pain, it will not get better and there is nothing we can do.

I ask you... what kind of fucked up universe allows so much pain for a creature that is pure unconditional love? More so than any other creature that I have encountered, she has the ability to just love regardless of what life is doing to her. Her biggest lesson to me, what unconditional love actually means.

I struggle with how to balance the totally out of fucks to give mentality, with the knowledge that I have so much good in my life. That even in that millisecond recognition of all the good I still feel so very dark. Loosing two creatures within 5 weeks of each other, creatures that by all means were the life lines to my soul for a very long time. Has caused me to feel incredibly ungrounded. Grasping for any of the things that have brought me joy and balance. Grasping for things that feel just out of my reach no matter how much I feel I want it. I am not saying that I was not on some levels anticipating the loss of my creatures, and probably in quick succession. Just that as a piece in a larger puzzle, I was ill prepared for the overall impact on my general being.

Feeling so many endings while simultaneously experiencing so many beautiful beginnings has led me to work to be completely present as much as I can. Moment to moment, totally present. And yes, yes I am fucking pissed at a universe too. I need someone to explain to me the logic behind a universe that can cause the amount of pain I saw today to a creature that had nothing but love for everyone and everything. A pure sunshine for to all. Happy every morning, and even happy to the very last breath she drew - she was trying to be happy for us all. How does a person balance all these things, at once?

For those that are in the know, 2015 has pushed me to the edge of my ability to cope. Between the reality that Dan and I love each other but no longer work as a partnership to my parents divorce after 40+ years of marriage, to the loss of my dogs... there are some moments I grasp for the smallest things to help me cope. There are no rule books. I know that. No right or wrong way to cope with these things that happen to us all. But right now, in the thick of it - all i know, through all the bullshit - drama - sadness - hope - happiness - excitement and sorrow... is that gratitude will bring me through. I will remember Mia not only in thoughts, stories and pictures but also in how I will chose to live. To show all that are around me that same happiness and joy. That same gratitude to just be awake for another day. To most certainly wag more, bark less and lick everything - just to make sure I taste every little piece of life.

Mia, you have challenged me to be a better person through everything you ever did. I love you and I know Chewee will be waiting on the other side. Keep true to what you have shown everyone you have ever come in contact with - do no harm, but take no shit. Love you Fats.