Months back I came up with the idea for this blog and a path/direction for my writing to go. To remind myself and others that there are no rules and that we need to all lighten the fuck up. So I posted a few safe pieces of my writing, stuff good enough that I wanted to share but still not fully digging in deep... just not the right time yet. Need to wait a little longer... I don't want to piss anyone off.
After these last few years there is one thing that I am damn certain about, tomorrow is a myth. We only have today. That thought led to the gut check that I am being a pussy. I have things to say, want and need to say. Things that maybe in some way, at some point, might actually help someone else get through their own life.
My, few, dear readers, I apologize... my bad... I was not honoring my highest truth nor was I honoring my goals to be a writer. Advice I received recently- if you want to be a writer then you have got to write. So from this moment forth, I pinky swear that I will only bring the realness - my realness - dirty and messy and my own flavor of crazy perspective. Take it or leave it. But I hope you at least read it.
In the words of Kurt Cobain "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not"... buckle up kiddies...
Today (October 16th) I say good bye to another furry child. One month ago I said goodbye to Chewee after a long slow decline after 15 years of beautiful companionship. 4 weeks and 6 days later I noticed a lump on Mia, within a few days it had quadrupled in size. Denial is an interesting, fickle, bitch. It allowed me to mentally run away (temporarily) to a happy place where something like this couldn't possibly equal the end for a beast that had survived so much in her 16 years. The vet didn't even need to do anything other than see the lump to tell us this was it. She is in pain, it will not get better and there is nothing we can do.
I ask you... what kind of fucked up universe allows so much pain for a creature that is pure unconditional love? More so than any other creature that I have encountered, she has the ability to just love regardless of what life is doing to her. Her biggest lesson to me, what unconditional love actually means.
I struggle with how to balance the totally out of fucks to give mentality, with the knowledge that I have so much good in my life. That even in that millisecond recognition of all the good I still feel so very dark. Loosing two creatures within 5 weeks of each other, creatures that by all means were the life lines to my soul for a very long time. Has caused me to feel incredibly ungrounded. Grasping for any of the things that have brought me joy and balance. Grasping for things that feel just out of my reach no matter how much I feel I want it. I am not saying that I was not on some levels anticipating the loss of my creatures, and probably in quick succession. Just that as a piece in a larger puzzle, I was ill prepared for the overall impact on my general being.
Feeling so many endings while simultaneously experiencing so many beautiful beginnings has led me to work to be completely present as much as I can. Moment to moment, totally present. And yes, yes I am fucking pissed at a universe too. I need someone to explain to me the logic behind a universe that can cause the amount of pain I saw today to a creature that had nothing but love for everyone and everything. A pure sunshine for to all. Happy every morning, and even happy to the very last breath she drew - she was trying to be happy for us all. How does a person balance all these things, at once?
For those that are in the know, 2015 has pushed me to the edge of my ability to cope. Between the reality that Dan and I love each other but no longer work as a partnership to my parents divorce after 40+ years of marriage, to the loss of my dogs... there are some moments I grasp for the smallest things to help me cope. There are no rule books. I know that. No right or wrong way to cope with these things that happen to us all. But right now, in the thick of it - all i know, through all the bullshit - drama - sadness - hope - happiness - excitement and sorrow... is that gratitude will bring me through. I will remember Mia not only in thoughts, stories and pictures but also in how I will chose to live. To show all that are around me that same happiness and joy. That same gratitude to just be awake for another day. To most certainly wag more, bark less and lick everything - just to make sure I taste every little piece of life.
Mia, you have challenged me to be a better person through everything you ever did. I love you and I know Chewee will be waiting on the other side. Keep true to what you have shown everyone you have ever come in contact with - do no harm, but take no shit. Love you Fats.
Jen, I love reading your blogs and shares. I'm so blessed to have this sisterhood with you and am very grateful to have you in my life. I think we always find a way to learn from each other and challenge yet support one another. Wish I was there to give you a hug in person.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I have had many close losses and crazy challenges in my life which gives me the following thoughts to share....or maybe friendly reminders....
1) life energy continues after death. There is sadness when the physical presence is gone, of course, but learning that those you love are "light is spirit", free from the burden of disease, is so amazingly comforting. Many in my life have passed from awful medical conditions. If the choice is to have them back (as they were) or not here but freed in spirit, I choose freedom for them every single time. This allows me to focus on the great memories. That's why I take so dang many photos....looking back on happy moments is therapy of the best kind! In the case of Mia (and Gizmo)...what amazing lives they led! Homes and companionship filled with love and laughter...so many animals discarded in the world...but not these two, they were spoiled, loved and shown how special they are. As their human companions that is something to be proud of and hold dear when we miss their physical being. In my case, it frees me up to save another life and love them until the end....a very special gift.
2) life is a series of pendulum swings. I imagine my life as one on a pendulum swing. If you take a snap shot of a life moment...any life moment...you can determine where you are. Riding in a hot air balloon, recent vacation, and remodeling a basement are recent positive swings for me. But there are the downswings like putting Gizmo to peace, dealing with healthcare choices for my grandma, and watching a dear friend dealing with losses are recent examples of that. The way I see it....don't get too comfortable at any one position on the swing....it's going to change. I enjoy my snap shot analysis of my ride on my swing because it allows me to cherish the upswing moments and learn valuable life lessons in coping skills in the downswings. Both deserve their do respect. ...and for the downswings I always know if I power through it and hang on, good is sure to return. May not be tomorrow...but it's coming. It can even be something small that swings you up, even for a moment, like eating a really amazing piece of pumpkin cheesecake....that's an up moment that deserves to be recognized for me! I enjoyed that last night ��.
3) the universe is the universe. I've had several times in my life when I've pondered a large conspiracy on the universe to keep me down. Like the hits kept coming....and I mean big hits. But you know what? I decided the universe is the universe....it couldn't give two shits about me (it probably couldn't give two shits about you either). It's not out to get me, or you, or Mia, or Gizmo either. It just is. A collection of life forces and beings that make choices and have good and crappy things happen to them. I choose to believe no universe or God has that much extra time/energy to spare trying to make misery for me. Now people are another story....they can choose to make misery for me (and do)....but those folks are brought into our lives for growth potential if you recognize it.
4) things break. Things break and sometimes they can be fixed, sometimes they cannot. Lessons all over the place either way. Heartbreak, sure. But it's all just another swing on the pendulum of life.
Enjoy the ride my friend! Love you lots!!
PS your friendship happens to be an upswing for me!