Unfu*kwithable (n)

About 6 months ago a read a wonderful blog post where the author was describing major changes in her life and how she "butchered" her life and found her authenticity. Like a lot of the bloggers that I follow, it was if the words reverberated through my cells - marinating in my grey matter. I mean, why wouldn't it? I was right in the eye of the storm - the middle of the butcher shop - when I read it.

Through the last two years I have found myself frequently challenged by life while also being immersed in gratitude and hope. A duality that is challenging and often maddening. Learning to balance and just simply be in all my emotions. That it is ok to be incredibly sad about some things and incredibly happy about others. A hard core, in-your-face, crash course in vulnerability and being totally present. Forcing me to reach out when I feel like the world is imploding on me and I can't help but hold my breath for fear of drowning. No matter how horribly uncomfortable it was to reach out.

So today I write this post to put out to the ether, to all those doing their best to hold their broken pieces together, that you are not alone. That I, am not alone. I write this because for the last few days I have spent a large amount of time trying to determine what it is that I, just me, want out of this gift of life. Not just in my personal life but professional life and in my relationship with myself. I find that when you do fall back onto your faith, and you are present enough to see it - the universe (God, whatever) will give you signs. Little things to help you on your way and to let you know you are on the right path.

The first sign was this:

And damn it if this isn't the truth. Fear... the root cause of my ability to be fucked with. It is in fear that we forget the blessings and gratitude. It is in fear that we surrender our own power and grace and drop to our knees allowing life to just happen to us. Fear cages our own strength. Worse of all, "fear causes hesitation and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true" (Bodhi Point Break). I realized through a conversation with an amazing human, that fear has infected me like a disease. Holding me in a pattern of being that not only does not serve me or those in my circle of trust, but that dirty bitch fear has also caused me to forget that I am a powerful goddess that has the energy, strength and fire to do whatever I damn well please in this life. 

The second sign was this: 

This is my goal ^. I have been to the land of unfuckwithableness (c) a long, long time ago... it is a magical place and I feel like I am finding my way back there the more I am willing to accept that I am perfect in all my imperfection. This sign came to me at a moment of questioning how I will know when I am healed from the trauma, stress and sadness of the last few years (this year in particular). I actually laughed out loud when I read it. Because not only is it awesome (you know it is) - but it is also about as yoga as a person can get. Boom! This sign, this stupid internet meme, brought me back to my mat after months away. An immediate light bulb that illuminated my way back to my practice. 

The last sign:

This came to me today... it was in a blog post on Elephant Journal by a woman named Caitlin Oriel titled 103 Words of the Best Advice Ever. So being the sarcastic, doubting, shit that I can be - I thought "well hell, I have to read this..." All I can say, mind blown! She spoke to her own changes and challenges and the darkness she found herself in and the remembering of her awesome grandmother and a poem she used to recite even into the dark years of Alzheimer disease. 

This poem:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~ William Ernest Henley

I admit. I cried. It actually made me cry. In public, cried. It hit me so deeply to remind me that I am in charge of my own destiny and have only myself to hold responsible if I don't like my surroundings and adventures. 

So I hereby add to my blog vows, to not only act with and in the same love that my beautiful dog Mia embraced every day- but also now to remember that I am the captain of my soul and the master of my fate. That as a goddess with power and fire burning in my soul, that I am truly unfuckwithable. But only when I remember that as the waves crash over me (as they will in this life adventure), that I must remember,  as long as I meet that water with water - to truly be the water and not the rock - that I will be amazing. That I will rise up again as I shed the weight of fear. 

I am unfuckwithable. 

Will you travel with me so that we might make love to the world?

I want to travel the world.

I have wanted to travel the world for as long as I can possibly remember. When I was a child, I kept a globe next to my bed. I remember spinning the globe as fast as I could and then dragging my finger against the slight raises to the surface of each countries landscape until it came to rest on some foreign location. I would fantasize about what it would be like to visit these places. How it would smell, taste and feel. When I would read about these places I would vanish to them, imagining going there and the incredible adventures that I would have. I could see it, in my minds eye.. I knew that in this life I had to travel... I had to find adventure and unexpectedness on this amazingly sexy and seductive planet.

There is no doubt in my mind that gypsy blood pumps through my veins, I guess I have always know that it was there, lurking just below the surface. At times buried deeply so as to not distract me from what a thought I ‘should’ be doing at any given time. Endlessly telling myself that you need money, the right circumstances, extra luck…whatever… before I could even begin to think about indulging my inner gypsy.

My gypsy blood whispers to me in those sweet silent, still, moments right before sleep wins, and in the twilight of the morning as the sleep fades from my mind. It whispers when I am most vulnerable. It calls to me to remind me that it is there in the most true and authentic parts of my heart and soul, in the cells of my being. It is as if the Kundalini energy that flows and pumps through my spine is infected with wanderlust, and the deeper I listen, the more I connect, the more awakened to it I become.  I know now that I need to find out its power over me – I must embrace it – I must dance with this beautiful devil in the pale moonlight.

I am surrendering to my wanderlust. But even deeper than that, as I have tuned into my wanderlust infection, I have surrendered to the reality that along with that is the longing that I must share this passion and adventure with another soul; a soul that wants to run wild with me across this planet with abandon from any inhibitions that might hold us back.

I have traveled and adventured (to some minor extent) with many beautiful souls so far this lifetime, but not with a twin soul. For I believe, without a doubt, that wanderlust is best experienced with another soul that holds a similar fire within. A burning that will force both souls to really reach beyond the comfort of the known into the deeply intense unknown.

When two fires meet, an inferno, a firestorm is created. It is all engulfing. When this happens, we come alive with so much energy everything changes. All the senses are heightened and become bionically hyper aware. When like souls find each other, time ceases to have relevance. Everyone and everything else, simply falls away. Where every touch is, well… its just simply electric.

That is the soul I want to make love to the world with. I want to taste the sunrise against our lips after a long night of fun, I want to feel the sunset drift away from our warm skin after a long and lazy day of exploring. I want to slip my tired body into the waters of the world with you after we have hiked to places only seen by few.

I want to sit in the fire with my twin soul as we eat scary foreign food gallivanting all over this big green and blue rock.  I long to lie in a field at the top of a mountain under the light of the moon and stars, nuzzled blissfully. I want to make love to the world in all that we will see and do together.

When like recognizes like, it brings out the very best that each soul has to offer in the most organic way. The fire burns away everything that just simply doesn’t matter and helps to allow us to be our most authentic selves and open to it all – the good, the bad, the ugly and the just plane messy and yet, to be at complete ease, together.  

What I used to see as reasons to keep me from travel seem now to be wildly insignificant and easily overcame. What used to seem unattainable now seems right within my reach, just a little bit further to go. I want to make love to this world in such a way that not only do I, we, burn a mark into the sands of time – but that it also leaves its mark on us, forever adding to the awesomeness of this adventure called life. To live so completely that I will eventually slide into my last days of consciousness with a thoroughly used up body and full and blissful heart.

What better way to travel through this life and across this amazing and sexy planet, than with a twin soul? So I ask you… will you travel with me so that we might make love to the world? 

(c) 2015 Jen Marcussen

Mia & Calling Bullshit On Myself

***Warning... Adult Language***

Months back I came up with the idea for this blog and a path/direction for my writing to go. To remind myself and others that there are no rules and that we need to all lighten the fuck up. So I posted a few safe pieces of my writing, stuff good enough that I wanted to share but still not fully digging in deep... just not the right time yet. Need to wait a little longer... I don't want to piss anyone off.

After these last few years there is one thing that I am damn certain about, tomorrow is a myth. We only have today. That thought led to the gut check that I am being a pussy. I have things to say, want and need to say. Things that maybe in some way, at some point, might actually help someone else get through their own life.

My, few, dear readers, I apologize... my bad... I was not honoring my highest truth nor was I honoring my goals to be a writer. Advice I received recently- if you want to be a writer then you have got to write. So from this moment forth, I pinky swear that I will only bring the realness - my realness - dirty and messy and my own flavor of crazy perspective. Take it or leave it. But I hope you at least read it.

In the words of Kurt Cobain "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not"... buckle up kiddies...


Today (October 16th) I say good bye to another furry child. One month ago I said goodbye to Chewee after a long slow decline after 15 years of beautiful companionship. 4 weeks and 6 days later I noticed a lump on Mia, within a few days it had quadrupled in size. Denial is an interesting, fickle, bitch. It allowed me to mentally run away (temporarily) to a happy place where something like this couldn't possibly equal the end for a beast that had survived so much in her 16 years. The vet didn't even need to do anything other than see the lump to tell us this was it. She is in pain, it will not get better and there is nothing we can do.

I ask you... what kind of fucked up universe allows so much pain for a creature that is pure unconditional love? More so than any other creature that I have encountered, she has the ability to just love regardless of what life is doing to her. Her biggest lesson to me, what unconditional love actually means.

I struggle with how to balance the totally out of fucks to give mentality, with the knowledge that I have so much good in my life. That even in that millisecond recognition of all the good I still feel so very dark. Loosing two creatures within 5 weeks of each other, creatures that by all means were the life lines to my soul for a very long time. Has caused me to feel incredibly ungrounded. Grasping for any of the things that have brought me joy and balance. Grasping for things that feel just out of my reach no matter how much I feel I want it. I am not saying that I was not on some levels anticipating the loss of my creatures, and probably in quick succession. Just that as a piece in a larger puzzle, I was ill prepared for the overall impact on my general being.

Feeling so many endings while simultaneously experiencing so many beautiful beginnings has led me to work to be completely present as much as I can. Moment to moment, totally present. And yes, yes I am fucking pissed at a universe too. I need someone to explain to me the logic behind a universe that can cause the amount of pain I saw today to a creature that had nothing but love for everyone and everything. A pure sunshine for to all. Happy every morning, and even happy to the very last breath she drew - she was trying to be happy for us all. How does a person balance all these things, at once?

For those that are in the know, 2015 has pushed me to the edge of my ability to cope. Between the reality that Dan and I love each other but no longer work as a partnership to my parents divorce after 40+ years of marriage, to the loss of my dogs... there are some moments I grasp for the smallest things to help me cope. There are no rule books. I know that. No right or wrong way to cope with these things that happen to us all. But right now, in the thick of it - all i know, through all the bullshit - drama - sadness - hope - happiness - excitement and sorrow... is that gratitude will bring me through. I will remember Mia not only in thoughts, stories and pictures but also in how I will chose to live. To show all that are around me that same happiness and joy. That same gratitude to just be awake for another day. To most certainly wag more, bark less and lick everything - just to make sure I taste every little piece of life.

Mia, you have challenged me to be a better person through everything you ever did. I love you and I know Chewee will be waiting on the other side. Keep true to what you have shown everyone you have ever come in contact with - do no harm, but take no shit. Love you Fats.

Losing Faith in Faith

-Jen Marcussen

Thoroughly stuck at a mid life fork in the road, or as I prefer to think about it, balls deep in a massive, whole life, re-prioritization, it has become clear to me that somewhere I seem to have misplaced my faith.

I didn’t realize it at first. Or second or even third. A near and dear friend brought it to my attention during an intense conversation about the current state of my life and the giant dose of reality I am being force-fed. When I asked her how she maintains her faith through it all, and for the record – this particular amazing woman has been dealt one of the biggest possible shit sandwiches life can cook up. She told me that her faith is what gets her through it all, the knowledge that something is bigger than her. She followed it up with a statement that surprised me; she shared with me that she does not believe in a ‘greater plan’ or the all too common adage ‘everything happens for a reason’. Foundation shaken. 

Every time my life has been put into a blender that is the exact quote I have leaned on more times than I could possibly count. I never even once considered it to not be true or solid ground to stand on. But now that the seed had been planted it lead me to realize that I have, somewhere in the madness of day-to-day life, lost my faith in faith. Granted, I think we all struggle throughout adult life with faith and how to maintain it. But literally up until the moment of this particular conversation I would have told anyone who asked, that I do have faith in the universe. Full honesty here, I do have some ‘faith’ still; faith that no matter what happens I know I have a tribe of amazing humans that will have my back through it all. I have faith that I will always be able to provide for myself in one manner of hustle or another. I have faith that even when life sucks really, really, fucking badly, that eventually the light at the end of the tunnel will prove not to be an oncoming train. 

Where I am realizing I am struggling is big picture faith. Having multiple health scares over the past handful of years, and watching as close family members (of rather young ages) have been diagnosed with horribleness; my faith that there is something above and beyond this life has all but evaporated. This bi-polar turn of events is perplexing to me seeing as for a while, going through 2-200 hour yoga RYT programs, I had developed a system of faith that worked for me. I knew there was something bigger than me out there. I had belief that this physical body is merely the mode of transportation for our souls during this life adventure. The concept of reincarnation and multiple lives resonated deeply with me. The crazy thing is I have no idea when these ideals abandoned me. 

When I reflect on it, I think it was a slow but subtle shift. I slowly have drifted away from my yoga practice, both on and off the mat. Short of taking some deep breaths to keep me from blowing when I am in the midst of an anger flash – I haven’t meditated at all in months. I have slowly drifted away from the things that provide joy to me like reading, writing & dedication to regular lifting/gym time. Hell, I went from devouring books so quickly that I would often be frustrated to find the next great read, to reading one book now for like 8 months. Yup, 8 months, for one sub-par Dan Brown novel.

A crisis of faith is at hand. Overwhelmed is the theme. And lost is the prevailing feeling that no matter what is going on, sits right below the surface. So I sit here and ponder how to get the faith back. When I asked my friend ‘please tell me how to cultivate that faith’ she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said: “I don’t know my friend, that is your path”. I both wanted to hug her and slap her.  I am now questioning everything that I believe to be true. Overwhelmed in the possibly gigantic amount of work that is going to be required to right this shit… I mean ship. 

So my dear reader, I have no solutions. But what I do have is the knowledge that the clear and true first step is to make sure my cup is empty. I am ready to do the dirty work, to acknowledge my monsters so that I can start to make peace. I know that the road back is not paved with a full list of all the things I want to change immediately (read as: I will go to the gym 4-6 days a week, practice yoga in some way every day, meditate every day, write, eat well, cry, let go of my anger and find more kindness for everyone, etc., etc., etc.,), but instead with simple kindnesses to myself. That the more I learn to just basically love myself, or even more simple… like myself… that the rest will probably fall into place. I have faith that the rest will fall into place. 

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float. But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.”

― Alan Watts

Photos Copyright 2015: Galen Stilgebauer

We Are All Just Faking It

-Jen Marcussen

I think I have stumbled upon a secret of life recently. Wana know…? We are all just faking it.

Lets get real here; none of us actually know what we are doing. Recently on social media I saw a quote that (paraphrasing) says that unhappiness comes from comparing our behind the scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. Made me think, then realize, there is no manual for this adulting shit that is expected of all of us as we age. And to make it worse, some of the most challenging parts of successfully adulting are all kept secret until you have the unfortunate luck of being in that moment… venting about it… then some asshat chimes in talking about oh ya, totally been there. Why does no one talk about these things?

Putting aside rules, spirituality imposed or legally imposed, and looking at what this adult thing is all about; what do we really have to do every day? Remembering that have’s, want’s & need’s are three different things – ask yourself that questions again… what do we really have to do every day? When you really break it down there is very little that we actually need for survival. So, that lets everything else fall into the category of choice.

Choices are typically made after we have (often in a micro second) weighed all our experience reference against our knowledge reference and then a decision, a choice, is made. Right or wrong, good or bad. The frustrating part of the equations is that its not like we all have this giant “this is life and how to do it right” book chillin’ on a table in our house with a quick reference section just for those times we really need an answer quickly. So instead, these choices come down to our life, our story, our experience past and future… and a roll of the dice.

In reflection when looking back, I remember thinking as a teenager and young adult how much I was looking forward to my late 20’s and early 30’s. I had naively thought that by then I would have things ‘figured out’. Expectation is the root cause of most discontent and sadness, so this expectation that I would have things figured out has only brought to the surface my outstanding ability to dish out mental self-abuse at the expert level. Letting my mind attack my soul every time I felt lost, or sad, or discontented. Even after beginning to study yoga and its ethical practices I still felt that slide into personal violence. Never physically hurting myself, but an absolute pro at my own emotional abuse.

Like most of us, I would say about 70% of my choices are solid. Moving me forward on my path with as minimal collateral damage as possible. The other 30%, oh that other 30%; well, that’s where shit typically gets sideways.  Like coming in hot, hold on for dear life, crank the wheel and hope for the best, sideways. Those are the choices that we make based on the stories we tell ourselves about others and their life… well so and so can afford to do x y and z, so I should be able to as well. Often flat out ignoring our inner guides shouting at us like someone watching a cheesy horror movie, yelling at the soon to be victim as they run up the stairs instead of out the front door.

We get stuck in the land of the shoulds. This land is located right next to the land of the haves and have-nots (so you can get your bearings). This land sucks us in and warps our perceptions to think that others around us have it easier, luckier, and happier than we ourselves do. Again, leaving us to compare our perception of those around us with the reality (or perception) of our own lives. My own yoga practice is a great example of this conundrum. I have practiced off and on my entire adult life and then getting more serious about it about 8 years ago. As the personal practice morphed into the decision to learn and study to be a teacher I was plagued with this feeling that I was a fraud. That at each weekend long teacher training I would sit and compare myself to those around me. Judgments ranging from my practice to theirs, my eating to theirs, how authentic I was, right down to my look and clothing to others look and clothing. Looking back it is so silly to me it is almost hard to share with you now dear reader. No matter how much I was practicing on the mat or off. No matter how much I was reading or studying. No matter the attendance in my classes or the success of my studio, I never felt good enough or successful enough. It was not that I wasn’t good enough, dedicated enough, accomplished enough as a teacher, it was that I stuck in the loop of thinking that everyone else I came across knew more and/or had it all figured out. And me, well I was just faking it hoping to not be discovered by anyone.

It’s a trip when I really think about it, how absolutely down on myself I was all the time. I was totally deaf to the praise of my students and clients and blind to the help that I was, often, unknowingly giving to people I encountered. Blind to the perception others had of me, and how from the outside they must have thought that I had it figured out and that my shit was so together it was wrapped up all Martha Stewart awesome. This thought process took me so deep that when I would share my successes with people, when I would share my story, it would feel so inauthentic almost borderline inflationary that I couldn’t feel good about any of my wins.

I heard an interview once with the TV Chef Rachael Ray, in it she made a statement (again paraphrasing) that she has been under qualified for any job she has ever been given and she has faked it till she made it. Kinda wild right? For someone that has the outward expression of so much life mastery to come right out publicly and admit that she has been faking it, a lot, in her career. Moreover, think of all the professional athletes that hit it big, giant contracts and mammoth endorsements when they ‘make it’. Only to later hear that their life is a horrific mess and they are morally and/or financially bankrupt.

We all, every walk of life, every socioeconomic background, every race, every kind of childhood, everyone… we are all faking it. So why aren’t more of us owning it like Rachael Ray?

As I see it, there is only one way to reverse and stop this self-abuse we are all committing daily, this abuse of perpetuating own our fakeness. We must all pinky swear to open up to the people around us about our struggles and insecurities in the present moment, not when it gets to the point we can no longer sustain. We must practice being so present in our own life that we know that we can no longer compare our anything to anyone else’s anything… ever. We are all doing the best that we can with the knowledge and experience that we have. There are no actual rulebooks or manuals to this game of life, and anyone who lays claim to writing or having one should be least trusted of all of us wandering the planet faking it.

We must find a way to let go of the judgment of those around us (including ourselves), judgment that we all do – whether we are ok in this moment with admitting to it or not - and constantly remind ourselves and each other that we are all, absolutely, without a single doubt, faking it.

Yoga Practice

Maybe you have heard that yoga will help what ails you. Maybe you want that yoga booty. Maybe you want to address anxiety and/or depression. No matter what your catalyst is to bring you to the mat, it is the right catalyst.

Every Saturday morning from 9:00 am to 10:15 am, Jen offers a 75 minute mixed level vinyasa based yoga practice at her home in Old Town Lafayette. Her small studio can accommodate up to 10 practitioners and as few as three. The only pre-requisite is the ability to breathe. Class is by donation because money should never be a reason to neglect ones health. Suggested donation of $10 (cash or credit). If you are interested please email jen.marcussen@gmail.com for more information or to reserve a spot for this weeks practice.

Suggestions for practicing:

• Wear comfortable clothing that you can move with ease and will not be uncomfortable if you bend forward or are sitting on the floor
• Water is your pal, please make sure to be and stay hydrated - feel free to bring water with you! 
• It is strongly recommended you purchase your own mat, Jade Yoga Mats are a great natural and durable mat. They are available online and at REI. Note - If you are just getting started and would prefer to borrow one, we have a few available for use
• Please be honest and share any and all physical ailments you might have so that we can work to modify the practice to bring the most healing as possible
• Please arrive 15 min early for your very first class, after the first class we recommend that you arrive 5-10 min early to give yourself enough time to get settled and make the transition into practicing 

Jen received her education in yoga instruction from YogaFit, completing her 200 hour certification through their accredited program. She then studied another 200 hours under the guidance of Pamela Bliss. She specializes in working with beginners and those rehabilitating from illness and injury and enjoys working with athletes to increase their athletic potential. She has been teaching since 2008 and practicing for most of her life.